You have to read this story Anna Clark and things to work on in revision .Fully introducing, summarizing, and “having a conversation” with your source.
this is the example that the teacher give me .
Fully introducing, summarizing, and “having a conversation” with your source(s):
INSTEAD OF THIS AS A RESPONSE TO CARR’S “How Smartphones Hijack Our Minds”—
I can tell from my own behavior and my younger siblings that smartphones are distracting. It’s hard for me to concentrate on anything for more than ten or fifteen minutes without thinking I have to check my phone, unless I’m playing a sport or am somewhere I can’t take my phone with me. Even if I don’t have it, I wonder what I’m missing. I see the same behavior in my friends, but didn’t pay much attention to it until I saw how my little brother and sister don’t want to pay attention to anything but the phone, even though my parents strictly control their phone time. Research shows that regular smartphone use causes a “brain drain” and can lower test scores (Carr xx). I think we need to agree to more restrictions on their use, especially at school and during time with others.
TRY THIS—
I never really thought about the negative effects my phone use was having until I read Nicholas Carr’s “How Smartphones Hijack Our Minds.” Like most of my peers, I think that our reliance on social media has a negative impact, but Carr presents convincing research that shows heavy phone usage correlates with lower test scores and cognitive ability and diminished social skills (xx-xxx). It’s easy for most of us to ignore how often we use our phones, and I’m afraid for my younger brother and sister when I see how obsessed they are with their phones, even though my parents strictly regulate their phone time. Although Carr does not include suggestions for addressing the problems he describes, I would suggest that phone use be more closely monitored in schools and that young children are prevented from using them for social media.
BUT NOW, WHAT IF FOR THE REVISION THIS WRITER HAD TO ALSO INCORPORATE NICHOLAS BRODY’S “It Turns Out Tech Gadgets Aren’t as Isolating as Experts Say”—
I never really thought about the negative effects my phone use was having until I read Nicholas Carr’s “How Smartphones Hijack Our Minds.” Like most of my peers, I think that our reliance on social media has a negative impact, but Carr presents convincing research that shows heavy phone usage correlates with lower test scores and cognitive ability and diminished social skills (xx-xxx). It’s easy for most of us to ignore how often we use our phones, and I’m afraid for my younger brother and sister when I see how obsessed they are with their phones, even though my parents strictly regulate their phone time. Before I read Carr, in fact, my attitude toward my phone was similar to Nicholas Brody’s in “TITLE.”
I used my phone to text friends and post to social media. I have Discord (a videoconferencing site) to have weekly meetings with my friends back in St. Louis. Brody says “quote/summarize.” I want to believe Brody, but Carr also presents very compelling evidence. I would have to respond that while using our smartphones and other devices is probably beneficial to adults and in certain situations (like COVID), they still should be restricted with younger children and in certain environments.
Begin body paragraph(s)
Both sides have their own arguments and counteract each other BLAH BLAH
OR
Although Carr presents very compelling evidence, Brody’s article makes an argument that’s very compelling to most of us. BLAH BLAH